Pirate-d

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  Being a mother means going through many emotions, often many in one day.  One emotion that I constantly feel as a mother is that of guilt.

There are a lot of times that I feel guilty for being a working, divorced mother.  I have tried to be the stay at home mom (albeit not for very long).  I could not take it.  I've worked since I was fifteen years old.  Staying at home drove me cray cray.

But there are often times that I am bummed out that I can't volunteer for Conner's field trip (which happened on Tuesday) or attend Kaden's fifth grade field day (which was this last Wednesday) or go to Brielle's Mother's Day tea party (which is this afternoon).  I am so stressed trying to juggle after school stuff with my work schedule like Kumon and baseball practice.

I feel like if I was a stay at home mom, I could do so much more with and for my kids.  My house would be clean all the time--I wouldn't have to wait until the weekend (i.e. time where I actually can spend with my kids) to get caught up on chores.  My kids would eat lots of different foods and healthier (I cook dinner nearly every night, but since I work full time and do other kid stuff afterwards, my time to plan meals, learn recipes and browse the grocery store are very limited).  I would have a color coded calendar of all the extra things I could get my kids into if I didn't have to work.

What brought on all this reflection?  Well, today I lost my shit.  Every mother does.  It's not all teacups and tiaras in motherhood.  Any mother who tells you otherwise is lying out her perfectly airbrushed ass.

I woke up to gray skies and drizzling rain.  I am one of those people where my mood often reflects the weather.  I hate being stuck indoors due to weather and I hate being cold.  Both of which make me cranky.

I've told you all here before that most weekends during the school year, my younger kids go to their dad's house.  That makes me extra emotional on Fridays because I know that I will not see my kids for a couple of days.  Not to mention, the end of school is approaching which means our schedules switch and I only get to see the kids on the weekends.  And I miss them even more.

So, on Friday mornings, I make extra effort to have more time with the kids.  I make cinnamon rolls and give extra hugs and kisses.  This was the plan this morning.

Well, my daughter loves to frost the cinnamon rolls and I usually let her.  For whatever reason, time got away from us this morning.  I looked at the clock at it was time to go.  And my daughter was not dressed yet.  Nor was her hair brushed.

Kaden, my oldest son, was having an attitude problem as well.  For some unGodly reason, he doesn't like cinnamon rolls.  Or cereal.  I know, right?  He was proclaiming that there was absolutely nothing he could eat for breakfast.

I have never hit my kids.  I have never said anything degrading to them or anything like that.  I don't believe in that.  But I do get frustrated.  And this morning, I was freaking out--ordering my daughter to get dressed.   I don't care what you're wearing, I say, just get clothes on your body.  I don't care what you eat for breakfast, I say to Kaden, just get something in your belly.

And you know what?  My kids totally forgave me.  They did as they were told.  Kaden and Brielle (who are especially close to one another) gave each other big hugs and she even gave him her orange juice that she had been saving for herself.  Conner came up and hugged me.  I felt like shit.

We can all learn something from kids.  We can learn what is important.  So what if I was going to be a little late for work?  I looked down at the cinnamon rolls, each one carefully frosted in perfect symmetry (my daughter is a bit of a perfectionist) and I smiled.  She had worked so hard and did such a great job.  I looked over at Brielle hanging on to her oldest brother as if it would be weeks before she saw him again.  Mostly, forgiveness.  Despite witchy mommy, my kids still made me smile, gave great hugs and showed me love.  This is the best part about being a mom.  Learning.  And loving.

Ruffled Blouse-Kasper, thrifted; Two Tone Skirt with Pockets-New York & Co., thrifted; Leather Vest-Forever21; Knee High Buckle Boots-Wal-Mart; Knit Socks-Kohl's; Earrings-Kohl's