March 9, 2015

Make it work Monday #9

 This Make it Work Monday is brought to you by one of my first style blog loves--eat.sleep.wear.   I'll be honest when I say that I picked this look mostly so I could sport my new quilted leather flats (you can tell that that they are new because, as you can see, they were not yet in my stylebook app).

Lately I've been burned out.  Don't get me wrong here--I know how lucky I am and how good I have it.  I know that this is a path that I have created for myself.  Nothing that has burned me out is beyond anything that I already expected.  And, let me insert the obligatory clause that yes, I love my kids.  I love my husband.  My kids' passions, personalities, laughter, health and compassion are things that I am forever grateful for and I never take that for granted.  I love that my kids are respectful and kind to others and that I have never heard a word otherwise from other adults or children.  My husband and I have a truly enviable marriage.  He is entirely my rock and goes above and beyond any typical "husband duty."  Everyday I know how truly blessed that I am to have him in my life.

Now that that's out of the way, let me just say that I have been feeling the burn of motherhood and wife . . . hood (wifehood?  Is that a word?  Can it be?  I'm making it one.).  There is a very interesting, constant contradicting dichotomy in motherhood.  For instance, you feel totally alone sometimes, but yet you feel that you never get time to yourself.  You feel like there is no way that the lives of your family could properly sustain themselves without you and yet you feel like no one even notices that you're there.  You feel like you have the most boring life on the planet but there is never a day that isn't filled to the brim with things to do. 

 It is constant noise and need.  And I don't just mean because kids are generally noisy creatures.  I mean there is noise.  Constantly.  Even when no electronics are blaring sound effects or kids are not talking or fighting.  Noise even in your own head!  "Did I RSVP for that birthday party?  Yes, I'm sure I did.  Where does she live again?  Well maybe I can take the car to the car wash over there while they're at the party.  Oh and maybe I will have time to return that library book.  Do I still have that fine?  I better pay it."  Constant.  Noise.

 Every single second of every single day this is what I see or feel: feed me, watch me, read to me, wash my clothes, do my dishes, grade this, sign this, scan this, find this, listen to this, look at this, buy me, kiss me, help me, rub my shoulders, sign me up, drive me, schedule this.  Every.  Single.  Day.  People are either pulling on me literally--hello sudden nine month old separation anxiety--or figuratively draining every remaining bit of energy out of me.

 I cannot tell you how full and simultaneously empty my life seems sometimes.  Not only do the kids have something going on all. the. time., but then there are little obstacles that are thrown in that schedule just for funsies.  Wait, the dance recital leggings that I told you to put in your backpack yesterday that you assured me that you put in your backpack are now missing as we are 15 minutes from leaving?  No, I don't mind using the 15 minutes I have to take a mini-bath for stress relief to watch the baby while I am also writing out this blog post and having my morning coffee so that you can clean off the dresser I've asked you to clean off for weeks because we are expecting the Odyssey of the Mind team over in 45 minutes and why can't you just keep an eye on the baby like I do every fucking day on my own (yes, this did just actually happen in real life)?  Yes, I can totally see why it is important to use your morning time you should be using to get ready for school to fight with your sister about who woke up earlier or who needs the milk in their cereal sooner.  Why yes baby that doesn't speak or understand language yet, I did just sit down to relax so now is the perfect time to wake up from your nap and become impossible to soothe for the next hour.

And I can't complain, right?  I mean, I'm a mom and a wife.  Those both happened by choice.  And complaining about them means that I am not grateful for what I have--healthy, respectful children and a wonderful relationship with a loving husband.  And I don't mean to say that this only happens to moms.  But that is my perspective and as we all know--perception is reality.  And in real time, I love my kids.  And I love my husband.  And all of us together make this house work and run.  But sometimes, a bitch just needs time to decompress and bitch into an empty nothingness of internet to people who have probably stopped reading this three paragraphs ago.  It's ok.  And yes, it really is ok.  It's ok to bitch even when you don't have anything substantial to bitch about.  It will all be ok.  But really--is it summer vacation yet?  And can we grown ups get those too pleeeeeeeeease?


Leopard Maxi Dress-thrifted; Striped Cropped Sweater-Banana Republic, thrifted; Quilted Leather Flats and Black Leather Jacket-Target; Glasses-Firmoo, c/o; Bubble Necklace-Charming Charlie's

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