October 28, 2012

And Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Blogging


Well folks, I'm back.  Thanks for all your sweet comments and patience during the impromptu Wedding Week.  I kinda took a break from personal blogging there. 

The truth is that I was anxious to share the wedding photos with you, but in addition to that, Patrick found out last week when his deployment date is.  And even though I'm sworn to secrecy about exactly when (ugh, that drives me nuts), I can tell you--it's very soon.

That being said, I've been trying to spend the last week reflecting, collecting my thoughts and spending some time with Patrick before he leaves.

Everyone keeps trying to get me to talk about how I feel about Patrick leaving.  I haven't really wanted to talk about it much.  Even though it seems like I share quite a bit on my blog, I really tend to keep my emotions and other personal turmoil to myself.

To be honest, I have a lot of conflicting feelings.  I've been somewhat withdrawn lately from my family, friends and even Patrick due to this.

On the one hand, I am very proud of Patrick.  After all, he does not have to go.  He wants to go.  From his perspective, he's been in the military for a decade and wants a chance to use what he's learned and fight for the country he's spent a decade working for.

On a very selfish side, I don't want him to go.  And that leaves me sad, annoyed, afraid, anxious and even frustrated.  I mean, I just got married and now I find myself going back into single motherhood.  This is gonna suck.

 I've never had a partner who was so helpful, so much of an equal, so much of a friend that I actually enjoyed being around and talking to.  Because I was a busy single mother and then a busy engaged/married mother, my friends kinda fell by the wayside, sufficed to say.  My family doesn't live close anymore like they used to.  So I don't know what I'll do when I have really no other social outlet other than work and this blog to keep my sanity.

A plus side to being a busy mother, though, has been that I have met a ton of other mothers in the neighborhood.  We're not exactly buddy-buddy or anything, but through football and Halloween parties and the like, I've gotten to know a lot of my kids' mothers well enough to be able to shoot them a text should the kids need a ride or a sitter or anything.

It's also been a bumpy ride because at first Patrick's job had promised to pay him his full salary while he was deployed.  Then they came back and said they weren't.  Patrick had to go fight with H.R. and eventually made a deal for a portion of his income.  Which was really draining because on top of not having another body here to help shuffle kids and sit with them while I ran to the store and stuff like that, I didn't want to have to freak out about making it monetarily while he was gone.  Especially with a birthday for a tween (read: their gifts are uber expensive), Thanksgiving and Christmas on the way.

The top of my stress list, however, is the "let's not talk or think about it" fact that . . . Patrick is going to a warzone.  In other words, it really freaks me out to think that at any given moment during the next few months, I could get that knock on my door.

I'm really afraid that I waited 30 years to find someone who I love so dearly, connect with so completely and can depend on so completely and I might lose them.  More importantly than that, and this will require some more explanation at a later date when my mind isn't such mush, but . . .

Patrick is in the process of adopting Kaden.  As I said, it will require me to explain further, but in general--this is a HUGE deal.  Kaden's biological father walked out on him when he was a toddler and the only other father figure he ever had, left him high and dry as well.  So the thought that there is an actual man that is willing, able and desires to finally fill these shoes for Kaden is amazing to all of us.  I don't want him to lose that.  

So, just bare with me for the next week or so.  You might end up stumbling on a blog with mediocre outfits and just a bunch of rambling.

 Gold Skinnies-Mango; Asymmetrical Snakeskin Tank-Pamida; Chambray Button Up-Lee; Moto Boots-Candie's; Earrings-DIY and gifted 

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